Eeehh....

So apparently I am dating a 25 year old.. he didnt tell me we were dating on sunday... Idk about all this... I wasnt really ready to jump on into a relationship... but I guess I could give this a shot.. maybe it'll be better for me, easier to forget about Chris and all the shit that he put me through. Nate is really nice and seems to like me a lot... he sent me a white rose (my favorite rose ;) ) while I was at school. He's a sweetie. Everyone's pissed about how old he is... I  wouldnt be supprised if I got kicked out as soon as my parents found out we were dating. I dont really care what my parents do or say anymore though, they put me through so much shit in the past two years... I've decided that I am moving out June 25th. I need to get out as soon as possible... I feel like screaming every second I spend at home... I am going crazy...

So I called my sister last night, looking for some support. I told her about Me and Nate... she didnt like it and yelled at me.. It's just something else that I need to listen to. I guess I should really start doing what everyone wants me to do, let them take over my fucking life from now on if they think that they can live it better than I already am. I need to follow everyones orders, listen to all their demands to be happy and to make them happy...

I want a life that is my own, I am sick of being told what to do, how to do it, following everyones instructions.. It's not fair. I want to be able to date whoever I want, be friends with and hang out with whoever I want... I want to do what I want... It's not like I am going to go out to some wild party and get drunk, do drugs and shit. I am against drugs and I never have been drunk and tend to not drink enough to get drunk. I love my friends so much, they are the ones that really support me through everything... they dont try to tell me how to live my life and stuff. I wish my family was as supportive as my friends have been my whole life. I know that my family means well, but it's not doing any good for me when they order me around. It just pushes me away ever more than I already am.

I wouldnt say that my family is close... we are pretty distant as it is. My parents and siblings dont understand me. My sisters and brother dont even know me as well as they think I do, I keep my one sister and brother away from me because I know I can never be as close to them as they are to eachother. I am more closer to my oldest sister than anyone in my  family. She understands some of my situations, others she doesnt even know about... there are things in my life that nobody will ever know about me... skeletons in my closet that I refuse to let out. Everyone has them, it's not just me...

With everything going on in my life, i am getting sick of it. really sick of it. I am getting angry very easily over foolish things, that never used to happen a few years ago... living here is making me insane, and I know that i need out of this life. I need a change in scenery, and I need it fast. Living here is killing me... it's killing who I am and turning me into something I dont want to be.. my parents have had such a negative impact on me in the past 2 years, then having almost nobody there for me, to listen to me or anything... its taking its toll on me... This is the first actual year that I have had "friends" or anything... last year people to me were just acquaintences, they didnt mean a whole lot. It turned around a little bit when I became a senior... I had people to talk to, weather it be one or two people. but I dont talk to them about anything... I keep things from them. And now, time is drawing nearer to graduation... I know that they will be leaving me and I will be moving away... I am beginning to save myself from the pain and pushing them away little by little...

i dont know anymore... i just dont know...I hope things get better for me soon... I feel like im slowly dying inside...

Shadows

Their closing in,

I'm fading away.

My life is nothing,

nobody is worth trusting.

Who am I?

What did I say??

People are angry...

I am afraid.

My life is getting harder,

I want to give up.

I dont know what to do,

It's unfair.

The shadows get darker,

blackness overcome's me.

My heart gets colder,

fear is no more.

The shadows have me now,

and I am gone from this world.

My heart doesnt belong here.

this isnt my home.

The shadows are my home now.

I have faded away.