so here i am...

So here I am, 9:50am, a new day. I'm sitting here in Communications at a computer listening to British Rock on HitKast.com... my eyes are burning from lack of sleep... and I have no feelings what so ever... I am numb. I think finally I cant feel anything, no emotion, no sick feeling in my stomach, just -- the numbness overcoming me, being welcomed with open arms. Perhaps I am done feeling anything at all? I hope so, I was going insane with everything going on in my life... I am finally in a state of pure bliss. I dont know how either. I think I got so fed up with things that I am just blocking it all out mentally... emotionally. If you cant feel it then no harm done right? For the past few weeks all I had been used to is tears welling up in my eyes... from the constant argue with my parents, the big struggle to get my own life back...

There is only nine days of school left... Will I be graduating or not? I dont know... cant quite say right yet. I have to pass CPR first, I am taking that today 7th period. Mrs. Blair will be there or I am going to have something to say to her. The past few times I have been there to take CPR after school she never showed up, reducing my chances of passing this school year... I dont like to study, and rarely do. So of course, you think I am going to keep studying for the CPR test? Of course not!

I am tired... I cant sleep, the heat is getting to me, things had been bothering me a lot lately... but I wont let them bother me anymore. I am fixing anything going wrong in my life and eventually I will be happy... to get my life back, do things I want again, stop getting into arguements with my parents -- I had to get rid of Nate.

Part of the thing with nate was, i'll admit that I want my parents to approve of the guys I bring home. They didnt approve of Nate, no matter how nice he is and everything, they say he's too old, that I wasnt to date him. Cops say that it's not illegal... it is perfectly legal to date a person over the age of 18 when you are 17. Technically I can leave home and my parents cant do anything about it either as long as I have a place to go and money to support myself. Cops wont do anything. I want to do that but I know that I have no real place to go, I might as well just stay where I am for time being. I am out of the house in a few weeks.

Nate wanted me to think about what I wanted before i told him my final decision... he said he wanted to wait for me as long as it takes, but he'd be waiting six months at least for me... I dont think it's fair to him. He is looking for someone to marry, have kids with, all because his injuries from the accident and military give him approx. 3 years to live. Sure I want to get married and have kids... EVENTUALLY. Not right now though. that's moving way too fast for me... i think he's just going for any girl that will have him right now, like he's desperate to find someone so he can get married, have kids, all before his time is up. He worries me sometimes... I honestly dont believe that he truly loves me... we only started talking/hanging out/dating about 2 weeks ago.. hes moving really fast... im not for it.... I think that breaking up was the better idea to go with. I dont know whats in store for the future... but i know that what he wants and what i want are two very different things, and it most likely wouldnt have worked out. He's a great guy dont get me wrong, he's very polite, nice, easy to get along with, great personality... just not the right one for me. i dont want him to come into my family anyway, they dont like him, i dont think he needs that kind of acceptance if you know what i mean, "My daughter is with him so I have to like him" type of thing....

thats all right now, later bloggers.