Life always deals me the bad cards...
Depression is defined as sad feelings of gloom and inadequacy. I feel that nearly each and every single day. Life just dealt me a bad hand of cards. Nobody is to blame for the life that I lead today. Everything in the past leads up to now. Things that have happened, people I've met... I dont understand though, why cant anything go right for me?
Relationships have just been... terrible for me. Alan, Chris - They cheated on me and lied to me constantly. Nate told lies about me to my friend. The rest were always long distance and never worked out. Every guy I meet I have a tendancy to become even a little interested in, there's always something there. If it's not the looks, it's the personality... it's something cute that they do... just something flips a switch in me and hey I kinda like them! I think after everything since Chris, I need a big break from any bf/gf relationships. I think I need to stay single for a while and get back on my own two feet again. The only problem with that is that I dont like to know that im alone... I like to have somebody who is there for me in that kind of a relationship. I guess im somewhat scared to be alone in life. I mean I know that there is someone out there for me... and that eventually I'll find them. I'm just tired of waiting around.
Only a few more days left and I'll be graduated. Lord knows how much I am going to miss my friends. It's not like im moving across the country or anything, but I wont be able to see them even 45 minutes away. It's really beginning to bother me. Since I moved to Nunda, my friends have been the only ones that have gotten me to where I am, graduating and ready to move on in life. They were the ones that got me out of the house and away from the mess my family is. With a mom who is always complaining and yelling at me about nearly every thing that goes on, a father who just doesnt care and wont say yes to a single thing, a brother who only cares about himself and being "mommy and daddys litte boy", and the sister who isnt even home long enough to see my hurt, my friends have been the only ones who've showed me that people do care about me.
I am welcoming this change of scenery and life with open arms... I sometimes wish it would come sooner. I know that not everything is going to be easy... in fact it might be harder... but it still feels like moving is just going to tear me apart even more. Then I'll be even more alone than ever. I dont know anybody, I wont have anything to do, nobody to hang out with... I feel as if crying a little bit once every day like i do now will even increase to crying every few hours. I am just so frustrated with life. I want things to go right for me just once! Why cant I be happy??
Relationships have just been... terrible for me. Alan, Chris - They cheated on me and lied to me constantly. Nate told lies about me to my friend. The rest were always long distance and never worked out. Every guy I meet I have a tendancy to become even a little interested in, there's always something there. If it's not the looks, it's the personality... it's something cute that they do... just something flips a switch in me and hey I kinda like them! I think after everything since Chris, I need a big break from any bf/gf relationships. I think I need to stay single for a while and get back on my own two feet again. The only problem with that is that I dont like to know that im alone... I like to have somebody who is there for me in that kind of a relationship. I guess im somewhat scared to be alone in life. I mean I know that there is someone out there for me... and that eventually I'll find them. I'm just tired of waiting around.
Only a few more days left and I'll be graduated. Lord knows how much I am going to miss my friends. It's not like im moving across the country or anything, but I wont be able to see them even 45 minutes away. It's really beginning to bother me. Since I moved to Nunda, my friends have been the only ones that have gotten me to where I am, graduating and ready to move on in life. They were the ones that got me out of the house and away from the mess my family is. With a mom who is always complaining and yelling at me about nearly every thing that goes on, a father who just doesnt care and wont say yes to a single thing, a brother who only cares about himself and being "mommy and daddys litte boy", and the sister who isnt even home long enough to see my hurt, my friends have been the only ones who've showed me that people do care about me.
I am welcoming this change of scenery and life with open arms... I sometimes wish it would come sooner. I know that not everything is going to be easy... in fact it might be harder... but it still feels like moving is just going to tear me apart even more. Then I'll be even more alone than ever. I dont know anybody, I wont have anything to do, nobody to hang out with... I feel as if crying a little bit once every day like i do now will even increase to crying every few hours. I am just so frustrated with life. I want things to go right for me just once! Why cant I be happy??
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Vincent on
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No worries girl. You've got a long life to live, and things do get better once you're actually holding the cards yourself. Up until this point you've been guided along a tutorial of life by your parents and other adults around you who think they know whats best (and in most cases usually do) dispite any outward or inward feelings you might have. Once you get to a point where you can make your own decisions and mold your own life, you'll start to realize it's not the fact that you've been getting a bum hand all your life, it's the fact that you're playing 7 card draw, and only been holding 4 cards all your life. Buck up, it all starts hard but you've got to learn to grit your teeth and enjoy what little is there. Things do start getting brighter, but only if you've got your head up long enough for it to shine. |
Vincent on
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Well, considering I get rewarded with hugs... how could I not put my best foot forward? :D |
