I went home for the first time since I graduated... stayed saturday night... I missed everyone so much. I was so excited to see everyone.

So when I got there, my mom, dad and brother were home. Basically my mom and I talked the whole time, my father was too busy for me, my brother didnt care that I was there and invited a friend over, the only one that was interested in seeing me the least bit was my mom. Then my sister came home and took one look at me "Donna what the hell did you do to your hair? I HATE IT!"

Lovely welcome home. I went inside the house and cried for like an hour. You'd think that family of all people would be the ones to give a shit about you. But no. Nope, not mine. :(

Oh well, I was the unfortunate one I guess.

Later everyone.

Yes, I am alive. :P

 

I tried making posts a while ago and it kept re-directing me to a different site... wierd.

 

So lately I havent really been up 2 much. Just haning out at the house... there's a guy across the street who wont leave me alone, yay i guess. Hes so annoying, like if he wanted to talk to me why doesnt he just get his punk arse to cross the street and talk... rather than every day when he see's me letting the dog out to go to the bathroom, shouting and waving at me from his porch. I know i sure as hell aint crossin the street to say hi.

Yesterday was Ozzfest... It ROCKED! Atreyu, Disturbed, System Of A Down, Lacuna Coil, Dragonforce, Ozzy--- they were all good. I have to catch a System of A Down concert though, cos my sis dragged me and my friend out early to wait in a line that only let us move 10 feet before the concert got over. That Pissed me off.

So  yep....

 

Catch y'all later!

It's been about 5 or 6 days since I've been moved in here. I thought it was going to be easy you know, but no... actually it turns out... it's a lot harder for me. I cant believe the move i just made. It was dumb. I should have seen it coming. I left everything behind when I moved out here. My friends, things I liked to do, I dont have anything anymore, what I have is a dog and three cats to watch after and a house to clean every spare minute I get. I cant believe what I left behind when I came out here.
After thinking about it, I made a really stupid move. I traded miserable, for even more miserable. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I have nobody to talk to, nobody to hang out with... nowhere to go but this filthy house. I want to go back. and I cant. My parents told me that once I was out, I was out. I dont wanna be here. It's harder than I thought. I wanna leave.
Even more often do I spend crying alone in my room. I hate feeling this alone. I cant go outside -- there's groups of guys that harass me soon as I get on the sidewalk. I dont like this.
I admit it, I was/am stupid.

My sis and brother in law are going on vacation 2moz... without me. I get to sit home watching the aminals. Fun fun. O well..

 

Wooo I gots pictures from Graduations :D

 

Me walking down the isle :D

The only two friends to have shown up to the party...

Deserea and I... :D

 

Yay!! Post later. playing pool.

 

Here I am, a Keshequa graduate!!! I am now living in Rochester :P and am happy as ever!

I moved in yesterday and today has been my first official day in my new home. I still have loads of boxes to unpack... but guess what!!! My parents actually are nicer to me now!!!!!!!! I called my dad for a minute just to ask him a simple question, and he had held a conversation with me and treated me like a human being! It's exciting... :D

I got an application from Spencers... they said they may need someone there soon, sooo here I go... I have it all filled out except for one  teeny little thing, I need to get a number from my mom... for a refrence... lol.

Yay!! Im HaPpY!!! :D

It's so damn hot out here at the mo. I cant sleep.. also from the Benadryl I took earlier I was sleeping nearly all day. Not very fun... then im also a bit nervouse to think that I am graduating 2moz. it's kinda crazy. I have rehersal today .... and im quite nervouse about that as well. :(

yay.

Depression is defined as sad feelings of gloom and inadequacy. I feel that nearly each and every single day. Life just dealt me a bad hand of cards. Nobody is to blame for the life that I lead today. Everything in the past leads up to now. Things that have happened, people I've met... I dont understand though, why cant anything go right for me?

Relationships have just been... terrible for me. Alan, Chris - They cheated on me and lied to me constantly. Nate told lies about me to my friend. The rest were always long distance and never worked out. Every guy I meet I have a tendancy to become even a little interested in, there's always something there. If it's not the looks, it's the personality... it's something cute that they do... just something flips a switch in me and hey I kinda like them! I think after everything since Chris, I need a big break from any bf/gf relationships. I think I need to stay single for a while and get back on my own two feet again. The only problem with that is that I dont like to know that im alone... I like to have somebody who is there for me in that kind of a relationship. I guess im somewhat scared to be alone in life. I mean I know that there is someone out there for me... and that eventually I'll find them. I'm just tired of waiting around.

Only a few more days left and I'll be graduated. Lord knows how much I am going to miss my friends. It's not like im moving across the country or anything, but I wont be able to see them even 45 minutes away. It's really beginning to bother me. Since I moved to Nunda, my friends have been the only ones that have gotten me to where I am, graduating and ready to move on in life. They were the ones that got me out of the house and away from the mess my family is. With a mom who is always complaining and yelling at me about nearly every thing that goes on, a father who just doesnt care and wont say yes to a single thing, a brother who only cares about himself and being "mommy and daddys litte boy", and the sister who isnt even home long enough to see my hurt, my friends have been the only ones who've showed me that people do care about me.

I am welcoming this change of scenery and life with open arms... I sometimes wish it would come sooner. I know that not everything is going to be easy... in fact it might be harder... but it still feels like moving is just going to tear me apart even more. Then I'll be even more alone than ever. I dont know anybody, I wont have anything to do, nobody to hang out with... I feel as if crying a little bit once every day like i do now will even increase to crying every few hours. I am just so frustrated with life. I want things to go right for me just once! Why cant I be happy??

I cant stand this. I sometimes feel like I just cant be happy no matter what in life. There's always got to be something wrong. Mom's constant ranting and raving makes me so angry, thats all she ever does!!! She needs to find a damn hobby and get over everything else.
I dont know why but I was so sick last night, I didnt get much sleep at all. I still feel sick. I dont know whats going on, I hope its nothing big... maybe just a 24hr bug? I hope thats all it is.
I hate this feeling I've got... almost like that feeling you get when you know something is going to go terribly wrong. I cant pinpoint it but i think it might be with the graduation party. Nate and Andy are scheming something and im worried i think.

Later Bloggers.

So yesterday we hadnt heard anything from The Vet on the kitten, we'd tried calling a bunch of times...no answer. My father went down to see what was going on, the vet apologized.
In the condition of the kitten, he'd never recover. He couldnt walk, he couldnt move. He was paralized and in pain. Much worse condition than Bear was in . Bear was a cat that we owned who couldnt walk and all he could move were his head and his legs.... couldnt get up and walk around or anything... but the kitten couldnt move at all, he'd just lay there and cry.
My father felt that he didnt want the kitten to live if he couldnt do anything, he didnt want another Bear around... it was upsetting to watch. So my father had the kitten put down. I suppose he made the right decision but I'd still have liked to see if the kitten could improve a bit.




Got a test this morning, have to be there about 8:30am. I'll C U There DES!

Well, Later Bloggers, im up for another dreary day.

Just been hanging around the house lately, boring... I packed a bunch more of my things, it's prepared to be taken over to Stacey's house. I also have a job. I am going to be working in the Shipping dept. at the public library. I was garunteed the job, just they wanted me to put in my application anyway, so they have some information on me.
I dont want this job... really.. but it's money and I want to go to England. Im still going to need another job if i want to make it there by next fall.
Some things i've yet to get, I need a cell phone and i need... sneakers and a laptop. lol. Sneakers will not be a problem, cell phone i need a co-signer for... laptop will be hard... grrrr... frustrating...

Later bloggers

Today was my very final day of working at Southern Tier. It was long... boring... and very un-eventful. I missed talking to my friends online... uggggghhhhh..... and i normally talk to them during the day. Friggin screwed me up... im having withdrawls from that now!
*cries myself to sleep*

Ok, the vet says that the kitten has suffered head turama, and the reason it wasnt moving when we found it was because it was in a coma. It isnt garunteed to live or anything, the vet says they wont know until it's woken up and the swelling's gone down.

He says that the kitten suffers the head turama because the dog when it bit the kitten it held on and shook it from side to side, like you know how a dog plays with it's toys, shaking it and stuff, basically the kitten was being treated as if it were a toy...

Gary said that he'd think about keeping the dog... no promises.

So far I've only been up about twenty minutes, its 9:11am. I woke up to Gary yelling into my room , I guess Matilda had bitten into one of our kitten's heads, It was nearly dead when we found it.
This had happened before, only the jaw was broken on another kitten. Same dog. Gary wanted to take it to an animal shelter because Matilda is becoming a liability. But Stacey is completely against it, she thinks that the dog was just abused when it was younger and something happened that made it feel threatened like it did before? I completely agree with Gary, because Stacey is pushing kids... what happens when the dog eventually bites a child? It's already been known for pushing a child down stairs... thats one reason the dog was given up so long ago. She is roughly 6 years old... Very tempermental... she's most definitly a liability. I feel sad for Stacey, i know it's her dog... but i'd give it up too...

The kitten she bit this morning was still alive when we found it, my father and brother have taken it to the vet's in hopes that it's not that bad off and can recovor.. We havent heard back from them since they left which shouldnt have been too long ago.

It's pretty sad that I cant keep a single thing for myself. My sister took my cd player from me and decided she's mangle it to bits. The only things that work on it now are my tape deck and radio. Goodbye to the CD Player Meaning of it.
She completely broke the cd player part. It's lid has been almost entirely ripped off, the silver face plating - no longer. Pisses me off. This isnt the first time she's done this to a cd player...
I'm stuck using my computer's cd player now... really sucks. I do love my computer's cd player, but I was also happy with my other one.


I've been listening to old cd's that I've gotten over the years... at the moment, im listening to the Youngstown single for Sugar. I feel that the cd's deserved a good listening to. Or maybe I've just been bored.



Been packing up some more of my room. Stacey is coming down this weekend. Today actually. Yay. :( She's gonna be taking a whole ton more of my stuff back to my new "home". I dont know that I can truly call her house my new home. It doesnt feel like it to me. It's just another place to go to save myself from the things I am so sick of enduring here at this house. I dont know. I havent really ever felt like I've had a home... I laugh at myself whenever someone ask's me what I've done that day... because I always just say, Just been sitting around at home...
If it doesnt feel like home, it's not. I feel like I am on a search to really find home. I just want that feeling of comfort and ease. You know, like how you are when your just swarmed with people who absolutly love you? I dont feel that here. I know that Stacey and Gary and my friends all love me, but I dont feel right. I rarely ever get that feeling anymore. The only real time I've felt that way was back when I was with Chris.
That's something else I keep thinking about. What would my life have been like had he not left me? I'd be living off in another state, married... would I have been happy? I know that for nearly six months of my life I had never been so happy. Everything was planned out, my future, everything. I was going to be married in July, we were going to move to Georgia, and everything seemed just perfect... but really it wasnt. I didnt see a single thing wrong, I was so blind. I cant believe that. He made me feel like a fool.

Guess this is all for the better eh? Doesnt feel like it though. All I really want in life anymore is just to go out, find where I belong, find the right guy for me and settle down. I dont need money or anything to make me happy. Just... want to have peace. I dont know what's going on anymore. I have a feeling what I am looking for anymore isn't going to be here where I am now. It's somewhere else. I just wished I knew where. God im so lost...

If there there was any way to describe what hell is, I'd say hell is right here, where I am right now. I dont know how much more of this life I can take. It feels like an unbarable amount of pain, disappointments... the little happy things that happen in my life dont even come close to matching all the things that upset me. I just want to know why I am here on earth if all im here for is to be miserable. Thats all I am anymore, miserable. I am getting so sick of it too. It's like, what is there in this world? I cant be happy, I cant live my own life... what is there?
A friend of mine, or what I thought was a friend, moved back to Florida. It's Craig. I IM'd him today and I asked if he'd left. He said yes. I said, you didnt even say goodbye. He was like, to who? and I said to me. He said, Oh, why should I have? Your my brother's friend. I said, well I thought I was your friend too, but I guess I thought wrong. He said, guess so. That was hard for me. I guess life really shows you who your true friends are. I really thought he and I were friends. We had a few jokes. We talked a bit. I was convinced. Guess it's different for other people.
On the way home from the store my mom put all the blame on me, for everything in my life that isnt going like it should. Mom said I was extremely immiture and that I'll never get anywhere in life but into the bed's of other guys. She said I was a tease and that I'll end up getting raped, the only thing I've got going for me in my life. I cant believe her!
I'm not allowed to see any of my friends before I leave for Rochester either. Mom and Dad both said that I am still grounded until my graduation... thats in 8 days. I leave in 9 days. I want to see my friends, all of them, they all cant go to Rochester to see me... and I cant be out here to see them. It's going to be so hard on me. I have a feeling that if I want to see anyone, I have to sneak out or just go do as I please regardless of what my parents say. That's going to be hard for me too. I dont like to disappoint people... and I am just getting tired of it all.
I just want all this shit in my life to stop. It's not fair... it really isnt. I'm beginning to think that nothing in this life is worth it anymore. I know that that's not the way to see things, but it's really looking that way. All I ever do anymore is sit in my room when i'm home, I dont do anything, just sit there on my computer and talk to what friends I can talk to online. By doing that, that's the happiest I can be... I hate just sitting here bored to death, doing the same thing each and every day. I hate feeling so depressed all the time. I hate crying all the time, I hate it all! I just want to be happy. How much is that to ask for?
If God is real... why is he doing this to me? Why does he make my life a living hell? I dont understand! I really want him to answer that.... give me a sign or something. This life is bullshit. I'm ready to just end it.

I am getting really sick and tired of this. Everyone in my family keeps saying, No, you cant do this. You're not capable of it. Or No Donna You cant do that, you'll never have the money to do it.
I want to go to England and get into a college up there, and everyone is saying I'll never be able to accomplish it. I think that from since I have been young, the reason I havent been able to do anything, ever, is because my parents and others telling me i'll never be able to. So then i'd just give up. I dont want that to happen anymore. I want things I want to happen, to happen. You know what I mean?
I cant stand it. Grr.

Graduation is in 10 days. Amazing. It's come so fast, It's unbelieveable. I honestly am Not ready for it. :( And then I cant wait to get the hell outta here... im sick of living out here. I need to get a job and get money saved up, i do plan to go to England. Then as soon as i can i wanna fly out.

Later bloggers.

Sitting here right now, I am no longer a student of Keshequa High. The final day of school was today, we had our senior picnic. Deserea and I hung out throughout that. We went to the waterfall in Stonybrook Park. The water was freezing, and we had a lot of fun. My feet hurt a lot from walking so much there. Only thing left now is graduation, next saturday.
I have yet to get prom pictures developed. I have a feeling im gonna need to do that when I work this saturday.
I got the $100 <3rd place> scholarship for the KPTSA. :D Yay!

All i have for now, later bloggers.

This weekend was iight, I am so tired...

we had the graduation party for my brother-in-law  on saturday, Brian was supposed to show up at 10am, buuttttt... he showed up at 9:30... a little TOO early for me, i wasnt quite ready. 

O well, we all had a lot of fun. Everyone loved him, they thought he was great. So... Yay!

I got home sunday night and found my door wide open. Apparently someone found condoms in my room? Psh... I dont fucking carry condoms, what the hell?! So my mom had my dad take and break my door, like the latch thingy that you turn the handle and it goes into the hole in the door frame, therefore preventing the door from opening up.... he took that and jammed it in so it wouldnt come out so i cant close my door... they said i wasnt trust worthy. Fuckers.

Wonderful end to the weekend.

It's rainy and stormy out today. For once the weather is as bad as I feel. I get some freedom though this weekend. I am going to the city for the weekend, staying with my sister again. Saturday is the graduation party for my brother in law, I am meeting up with Brian at Stacey's house then going to the party with him. I am excited. I want to see him so badly. I havent seen him since last september at Labor Day weekend when Chris and I went camping at Skybrook in Dansville.

I took the first part of my english final today. I feel it was so easy, but really I know i  messed it up. I didnt pass it. It happens every time I think something is really easy, i failed it. I have to take the essay part, or more like finish it since I have started it already, monday. I have a government final today, I didnt even know it was this friday!!! I thought we were taking it monday... i didnt come prepared for that. I hope I do okay on it. I know it gets put into the Economics grade, I passed economics.... but I wish I'd have had some notice before the final. I would have brought something to study from. I dont have any study notes or anything.

I need to get some sleep tonight omg... i have been up doing so many things late at night, i've lately been up till 2am, all week. I cant do it anymore, not possible... i can see a few days a week like 1 or 2 but not every day like i've been doing. School is gonna be over soon and I am gonna be sleeping in till noon.

I have a headache and feel like listening to AFI so im gonna go. Bye everyone!