Well, graduation is around the corner. I feel as if the time spent here in school was like the amount of time it took to paint my graduation cap. Only lasted a few days. Thinking about it, im sad to be leaving such exciting years behind me and move on in life. I dont really know how to act, if i should laugh, cry or if i should just shrug it off...

These years were fun at school . I had friends to hang out with in the halls, I had things to do, I was surrounded by people who actually cared about me and my future. To leave all of that behind, the memories embedded into my head, seems like an awful lot to leave behind. All I have to remember everything by is a yearbook and what I remember from all those years.

It's funny how you spend most of  your years in school waiting for the day to get out, and then it's there and you dont want it to happen. It makes me laugh because in 6th grade I wanted to get out... it never bothered me, the wanting to graduate, not until my junior year. My junior year I really realized how fast everything was really going, and how many months I really had left to see my friends and not have to worry about anything big in life like moving and finding a job and stuff.

I have had 2 jobs in my life, working as a dishwasher at State Street Station, and the clerk duties at Souther Tier Video & Audio. I do believe that those have shown me some responsibilites and things I need for when I get out into the world.

I will always remeber 7th and 8th grade. That was when Deserea and I became friends and had also disliked eachother. It was actually pretty funny when you go back and think about it. I remember eating lunch at the same table and we mixed up mustard, ketchup, some of the fruit desert that we got from lunch and some chocolate milk... disgusting!!! lol. But we dared eachother to take a bit of it and eat it, and we did. Deserea got it down no problem, but I thought I was going to puke. I think Brandon was there for that. lol.

Deserea, you certainly remember "Valor" and "Tires" dont you? lol.

We've had some good times. And it's all going to be over soon... on the 24th we are going to be introduced to the world, no longer as "kids" or anything, but as adults . The good times will always be remembered. Hopefully we'll see everyone again in the future and have some more good times.

I was having some really bad allergies these past  few days, so i took something for them today. Totally shouldnt have done it. I took a benadryl... the teeny tiny capsuls, and im dying!!! I am sooo tired. omg. i keep forgetting how much this stuff kicks in.  So besides the tiredness, i am FREEZING! I forgot my hoodie at home today... i was such a zombie this morning... i still am sorta...

Anyone see the Miss Murder music video for AFI? Good song, but music video looks like they're trying to start a revolution or something. Hey miss murder can i...

6-6-6 was yesterday and the world didnt end... nice. I did however get asked out by Brian yesterday :D I said yes. :) I hope my parents like him. I will be pissed if they dont. He's gonna come to the graduation party on saturday hopefully, my brother in law graduated... yay.he knows how to get to my sisters house so that's where we're meeting up at. Stacey is going to let me go camping with Brian + his family the week of july 4th :D yay.

im so out of it... ugh... wake up Donna!!! *smacks myself in the face* dammit.

Today is a bad day for me, I didnt get enough sleep last night, i have extended detention thanks to my dad I have an essay to write tonight after i get home from extended.... so far its just been a shitty day. Grr.

I did on the other hand get a marraige proposal, and stuff... it was great. My friend Brian is telling me he loves me and stuff, like hes a real good guy and I woulnt mind dating him... but i love to flirt with guys online, and i feel like im cheating when i do that... so i wont do it. besides i really like Matt.... even though I havent met him yet, hes got the most adorable personality i have ever seen. I am always really excited to talk to him when I get home... he always makes my day better.

5 days of school left and i am DoNe!!!! I am so excited... im gonna be moving on and everything, going to england soon.... YAY!

later bloggers.

I am curious, and yet I am confused. I want to see how my life will turn out in the end... ever wondered about how your life looks in the end? Will I have done everything I have wanted to do? Will I have led a good life? I know that I havent done the things that I have wanted up to now, I've been forced into things my whole life. Graduation is in less than 3 weeks. I will be in charge of my own life soon. Years have passed me by, and all I remember doing with my life is what my parents forced me to do. With the exception of youth group, I have done nothing for myself, but for my parents. And now that my life is going to a new turning point, I am excited, but I am also worried about the outcome of it all. I havent had a life till now... it's making me nervous. I know that it's normal to be excited and nervous about moving on... and I am so excited about getting out there in the world. I am really looking forward to going to England. It's a definite thing, it is going to happen. I'll be out of the country by next autumn, if not earlier. It's going to be so expensive... but it's expected.

I need to save for a laptop so that when I leave the country I can have something to write in this blog with and keep in touch with my friends and family through IM and Email since I wont be able to call very often. lol. oh i cant wait to go to England. My friend Matt is going to meet me at the airport when I arrive, he promised... I cant wait to see him... Matt has got the most amazing smile i have ever seen in the world! And probably has one of the best personalities i have ever seen as well... he is a real great guy...

okay, well i have a few things to get done... later bloggers!

So the college I found last night is cheaper and has exactly what im looking for! Yay!! It's De Montfort University, the course is Computing FdSc. Here's what it offers:

First Year

• Computer technology
• database design concepts
• systems analysis and design
• programming

Second Year

• object - oriented programming
• web technology
• entertainment and games computing
• communication technology
• commercialization of IT
• fundamentals of network technology
• advanced network technology

I would be going full time, 2 years in Leicester England. The course for me would cost approx. $11,606.12 per year... it's going to be expensive, i know but not AS expensive as London Metropolitan University... that one would cost me close to 80 thousand i think... this would at least be lower for me. It's a real good school.... I guess the teaching there is real good as well..

I priced the plane ticket to fly into London from Rochester which was around $878.50 with tax included.... not too shabby eh? Now i have to worry about the taxi and train.. lol..but it'll probably change by the time i am ready to leave.

here's the total it will cost me to go here for two years $58,021.46... i'd need a shit load of scholarships and grants...

but i will work it out.

I Love You Uncle Mike! <01 June 2000>

Today is the aniversary of my Uncle Mike's death. He was a great man. I miss him terribly... He was killed 6 years ago in a head on collision going to his wife's graduation ceremony . They said the man who hit him was watching his kid in the back signing to him and wasnt paying attention to where he was going. Ended up going into the opposite car lane and my uncle happened to be right there.

He left behind his wife and two twin daughters, Savannah and Delaney.

These days Aunt Catheigh is gettin re-married... she's been engaged for some time now, and the daughters are both starting school and everything.

So here I am, 9:50am, a new day. I'm sitting here in Communications at a computer listening to British Rock on HitKast.com... my eyes are burning from lack of sleep... and I have no feelings what so ever... I am numb. I think finally I cant feel anything, no emotion, no sick feeling in my stomach, just -- the numbness overcoming me, being welcomed with open arms. Perhaps I am done feeling anything at all? I hope so, I was going insane with everything going on in my life... I am finally in a state of pure bliss. I dont know how either. I think I got so fed up with things that I am just blocking it all out mentally... emotionally. If you cant feel it then no harm done right? For the past few weeks all I had been used to is tears welling up in my eyes... from the constant argue with my parents, the big struggle to get my own life back...

There is only nine days of school left... Will I be graduating or not? I dont know... cant quite say right yet. I have to pass CPR first, I am taking that today 7th period. Mrs. Blair will be there or I am going to have something to say to her. The past few times I have been there to take CPR after school she never showed up, reducing my chances of passing this school year... I dont like to study, and rarely do. So of course, you think I am going to keep studying for the CPR test? Of course not!

I am tired... I cant sleep, the heat is getting to me, things had been bothering me a lot lately... but I wont let them bother me anymore. I am fixing anything going wrong in my life and eventually I will be happy... to get my life back, do things I want again, stop getting into arguements with my parents -- I had to get rid of Nate.

Part of the thing with nate was, i'll admit that I want my parents to approve of the guys I bring home. They didnt approve of Nate, no matter how nice he is and everything, they say he's too old, that I wasnt to date him. Cops say that it's not illegal... it is perfectly legal to date a person over the age of 18 when you are 17. Technically I can leave home and my parents cant do anything about it either as long as I have a place to go and money to support myself. Cops wont do anything. I want to do that but I know that I have no real place to go, I might as well just stay where I am for time being. I am out of the house in a few weeks.

Nate wanted me to think about what I wanted before i told him my final decision... he said he wanted to wait for me as long as it takes, but he'd be waiting six months at least for me... I dont think it's fair to him. He is looking for someone to marry, have kids with, all because his injuries from the accident and military give him approx. 3 years to live. Sure I want to get married and have kids... EVENTUALLY. Not right now though. that's moving way too fast for me... i think he's just going for any girl that will have him right now, like he's desperate to find someone so he can get married, have kids, all before his time is up. He worries me sometimes... I honestly dont believe that he truly loves me... we only started talking/hanging out/dating about 2 weeks ago.. hes moving really fast... im not for it.... I think that breaking up was the better idea to go with. I dont know whats in store for the future... but i know that what he wants and what i want are two very different things, and it most likely wouldnt have worked out. He's a great guy dont get me wrong, he's very polite, nice, easy to get along with, great personality... just not the right one for me. i dont want him to come into my family anyway, they dont like him, i dont think he needs that kind of acceptance if you know what i mean, "My daughter is with him so I have to like him" type of thing....

thats all right now, later bloggers.

Why is it that everything in my life requires me to make a change that I dont want in my life? Everything is a decision to make something somehow a little worse it seems. Life is so hard for me... I cant seem to make anyone happy, not even myself. It's not fair. I thought Nate would have been a good idea for me, but I left out the little thing, the age difference. Nobody in my family agreed with it... they wouldnt give him a chance, instead they just force me to stay away from everything that I want to do. I couldnt even go to the simple Memorial Day Parade down the street... because it would give me the chance to see Nate. I cant go to the store anymore because there is that slight chance that Nate just might be there. Why cant I be happy? Why cant I have a life of my own!? It feels like my life is meant to be controlled by the people around me! I am so sick and tired of it. I have given up so much to make others happy... and the last thing I've given up recently is Nate. I wont give up anymore. I refuse to. As soon as I can and as soon as I have the money, I am out of here. I dont want to live anywhere's near people who think that they can just walk all over me. I am sick of it. My sister and brother-in-law think they can walk on me too! They think that they are going to tell me how to live my life, lecture me whenever I am not doing something they want me doing... if they think that i am staying there with them past next summer they are wrong. I want to be gone and on with my life by next summer. I want a fresh start, new people, new life.... a better life. I cant do that in NY... I dont even want to start a new life in the USA... I want out. If I can generate a plan and stick with it, with like exactly how I am gonna do it, I wanna be out of the country in a little over a year. I realize how expensive It is going to be... I realize im going to be leaving my friends behind... and family.. but I need this. I think that this is what I need to do... Honestly i think that it's the only way im going to get a break from everything here... a permanent one. I cant live my life here. I have too many obsticles holding me back and I gotta get rid of them. I was thinking England or around that area... I was considering college somewhere up there, get a job on campus... living in a dorm and get the hang of how things run down there... then eventually get a place of my own. I know its risky.. but im up for it. Where there's a will there's a way right? This is something I want for myself, and this i WONT  give up.

I got a 20 for a 5 week grade in comminications... i dont do shit in there. NYCE! I dont care.. dont need that class to graduate anyway. I wonder what else im failing. Web publishing prolly... oh well dont need that either. fucking school. lol.

I have nothing to write... so im leaving. later bloggers!