While I Was Running

Running really fast,

Losing my breath.

I stopped and looked back

At all of my regrets.

The things I have done,

The words I had said,

I was once a person that I had dred.

Once again I take off,

tripping down the road,

I'm crying my lungs out,

I feel like I'm ready to explode.

Tears are running down my cheeks,

My past still haunting me,

It has been for weeks.

The road keeps going,

but I'm growing weak.

I have to stop running,

"I can't go on like this" I say.

I am different now,

a better person today.

The things that have happened,

all of my past,

they have molded me into who I am.

I'm done running,

it's all in the past.

Things will get better now,

and so I can rest.

 

 

This poem didnt really hav mmuch to it, just feld like I should write it in here.. idk why.... later bloggers!

 

 

 

 

Today is not my day I guess... I just got yelled at by two teachers... the one yelled at me because I hadnt gone to his boring @$$ class for like a month and the other because I forgot to call him these past 2 days I had study hall... I guess I shoulda been thinking a little more when it came to calling, the other... didnt really bother me much.lol. Man though, Mr. Small was HARSH! gosh... Hey Des... when u read this, you should seriously start calling Mr. Small, he's marking us absent each time we dont call. Ain't cool at all.... well... later bloggers!

I dont know what it is, but when I read laceeblueeyes new blog entery titled "I want to die!!!!!" It really made me think. The things that happen in our lives, they mold us into who we are today, and who we will be in the future. We all endure things in life that we never want to go through, things go wrong and we say that we want to die. I know that I've said that a in a few points in my life... but if I had died when I wanted to or when I should have, I wouldnt have gotten to where I am today. I have so many amazing friends, my loving family, wonderful boyfriend... things are really going good. Being upset at things in life take us away from all the good things that are to happen. Every minute we spend upset and angry at things is time wasted. You could spend days crying about the big breakup you just went through, but really... you could spend that time being happy for the things that you've experianced, because you have gained knowlege through what you've experienced. I found it easier to just look to different things to divert my attention from when Chris broke up with me. What I found when I wasnt thinking about the breakup - happiness. I wouldnt trade anything that has happened to me in my life for anything, I wouldnt be the person I am today if I could. So I guess what Im trying to say is dont look at the negative or things are going to stay negative. If you look to the positive, you can find better things in life.

Laceeblueeyes - I hope that you read this and that you find that you can look to anything posative and find something happier in life than what's going on right now. Looking at death to find help isnt going to work. I really want you to know that things are going to be better for you, just dont think about the negative things that has happened to you... You've got friends and family who care about you, people here at Blogs4me care about you too!! Don't be afraid to seek out someone to confide in. We're all here for you.

For those of you who keep insisting that I date my friend Eric, STOP IT! I am getting really sick of hearing every other minute of the day, You Should Date Eric, He Loves You. Yeah he may love me but I dont feel the same way for him! I am getting so tired of having to explain why I dont want to date him, so I am only going to say this one more time:

 

Eric and I are just friends,  I do not see him as anything more than just my best friend. I dont want a b/f  g/f relationship with him, I dont want one in the future. I realize he has feelings for me, but I dont feel the same way. He is just my best friend, he is my Youth Pastor... I see him as nothing more. I have nothing against him, nothing personal towards him, I'm just not interested in having that kind of relationship with him. End of story.

 

That is all I am writing today. Im to pissed to write anything else.

Bye.

I really like that song, Dance Dance by Fall Out Boy... catchy... lol. I am so tired right now, and I cant go home and sleep today. Eric is coming over to hang out, no idea what we're gonna be doing. We prolly should go out for a walk or something. Mom doesnt like me having friends over to the house, and I only notified her this morning that Eric was coming over. She was pissed as usual but I dont care. I have like 7 more weeks of her bitching and complaining. Im moving in July... like the week of the 6th :D So Im getting stuff together already, taking it over to Stacey's house so that I dont have to move much.

Andrew thinks that having a sister that will take me in is pretty cool, and it kinda is... but I cant show emotion around her or she gets pissed off. Shes always saying she wants friends, so when I introduce her to my friends she has a problem with hanging out with them with me. I understand where she's coming from, but still I am giving her opportunity to meet people and make friends. Eric likes Stacey already, but I cant hang out with her and Eric at the same time, she feels like a third wheel... and I try to include her in everything. Its so hard though because she tells me, im not doing this anymore, then im like u wanna go home we can... she gets pissed and that gets me pissed. Grrrr.. frustrating.

At the end of the week, friday, im going to Stacey's house again. Eric is coming along, spending the night, then saturday me and him are going to Elim to see Micah's graduation. That'll be cool I think... but i dont know if we're going to go back to Stacey's house after that or not... or if we're going home.. Eric planned it not me. lol. I just have to rememer how to get to Stacey's house. If i don't then we're screwed.

Well... thats all I've got for today. Later Bloggers!

Spring break was supposed to be fun... man what happened??? lol.. It wasnt long enough. One week off of school... im dying, lack of sleep is kicking in. All week and weekend I got about 4 hrs of sleep each night... I have the worse headache ever right now, from not getting enough sleep, and i feel sick from mixing my medicine with liquid pain reliever... wonderful huh?

So I was at my sister's house in Rochester all week last week, just hanging out because I got into a fight with my parents again... I like the neighborhood kinda... its a little scary but i like it. Im moving to Rochester this summer, like very end of June beginning of july. At least those are the plans for rite now. Andrew gave me my plans since I told him i wasnt sure what I was doing after graduation. He said I was going to move to Rochester till I turned 18, then move to Connecticut to live with him, lol.

I thought that internet dating was going to be wierd... but it's not. Its actually kinda fun. This way I know that since we're not together physically, nothing can happen and I can get to know him until we meet in person. I have decided to go to Connecticut with my sister to meet him, I didnt want to go alone, but I wanna meet him, he's a real nice guy... I talked to him on the phone last night, he sounded like he was the age he said... soooo... it could be possible that he is who he really says he is.. and I if I go to connecticut, even if hes not who he says he is i can still go to a few locations that are nice and say I've been there. :)

I am tired.... grrrrr.... and I think this post is done... so I guess, Later bloggers?

I cant stand this! My life is turning around so much, I feel like there is nothing to hold onto. Im frustrated, angry, and I feel like I am being suffocated by all these people surrounding me. I cant have any relationships without anyone having a problem with it. Theres always people saying oh dont do that, or hey thats dangerous! It makes me feel like doing what I want to, I dissappoint everyone. I dont like that feeling. Nobody has any idea how much stress I have at the moment. I am ready to break down! I cant stand it! I realize that there are people who care about me, I realize their just looking out for me, but enough is enough. I need a life that is my own. Im tired of people trying to control me. Its way too hard to try to please everyone. I always end up hurting someone else. This is all bullshit!

Yeah I am dating somebody right now, and its an online thing. So what?! I know what I am doing. I realize the danger of online relationships, but I like this guy, he is real nice, funny, smart, cute, he has a real good personality... I realize that I could be setting myself up for a major dissappointment, but you know what? I DONT CARE! I am quite content with an online romance if I dont see anyone here in person that I would want a relationship with. At least I will be happy.

Thats my problems at the moment... later bloggers.

I left my class to "go to the library real quick," and while doing that I ran into my friend Tosha. She asked me for  help and so i was like, sure. So can you guess what she wanted help with??

 

 

She wanted to make and INVISIBLE FISH! And since I had already agreed to  help we went to work. We used that  clear tape in the library and  shaped a fish, we finished and were thinking about what we should do with it. We decided to go to the guidance office and act like the fish can talk and shit. So we go up there, we walk in and we're talking to the fish. Then we go up to Mrs. Ludwig and say the fish is hungry, we need to feed it. We go to the candy dish and stick a Hershey bar (mini) to it and say "He's digesting now!" lmao... its so much fun being a senior and doing stupid things.

 

 

Think we'll be admited to the looney bin?

 

 

 

Me either! lol

So far today has been going well... We began to watch Bio Dome in my Environmental Science class last period. I was expecting it to be boring, but nope... its really super funny.. lol. I Laughed my @$$ off...

Yesterday I didnt get to test out in CPR, I have to do that today. I was really pissed too because Soren decided he'd go a second time, I wanted to go at least once. Now I have to go in on my own time, my study hall 8th period today. Then I also have to take the CPR test from the Red Cross... I dunno if Im gonna be doing that today as well?

Today is the last day of school before Spring Break... we all come back on the 24th. Im gonna try my best to write blogs (Especially for  you Deserea, because I wont be using the phone very often lol) Im not gonna be doing much of anything over break... spring cleaning? I already did most of it. Just gotta burn some stuff... pictures of Chris and me... old school papers... ect... Next friday is youth group.. :) Cant wait. I missed it... I was  glad i got to go last friday.

I realized that im probably going to get an incomplete on my report card this semester, i never did start on my golf course layout. lol. I guess I wont be going uptown for lunch anymore... until i get my work done at least.

I need to post my newer pictures on here... i'll have to do that at home... sometime.. haha... yea right.

Well... thats all for now. Till next time, See yah Bloggers!

I didnt get to take my cpr test today... fucking blows. I wanted to take it, but Soren decided he would go before me and make me wait after he had already gone once. Made me really freakin mad... grrrr...

Wow... Sneezed just a few seconds ago, that hurt! Man...

Today has been an ok day so far. thats about all i've got to say... didnt do anything worth writing about.

Today started off pretty bad... or at least that's how it is in my opinion. I woke up and I was SUPER tired... slowly got dressed, couldnt get my hair to cooperate properly... ect. Then I am getting off the bus at school and what happens? A sped steps on the back of my shoe and now it's breaking. It looks terrible. I cant afford new shoes... dammit! Im in a grumpy mood now thanks to that. I mean I know the sped didnt mean to, but GOD! Pisses me off...

I got to talk to Craig last night... it was interesting lol :o) Im not really gonna go into detail about it.

Im in radio right now, I am lovin this Jewel song im playing! It's title is Break Me, very nice and happy sounding song. I have Sixpence None The Richer up next with their song, There She Goes. I think im also going to play some Train, Sheryl Cowe, Goo Goo Dolls, Kelly Clarkson, Michelle Branch.... ummm... Maybe some Uncle Cracker... idk what else..

Last week I "borrowed" a cd from the radio room, It was the Kelly  Clarkson BREAKAWAY cd... it's actually pretty good.

I managed to fail my CPR Test yet again yesterday. Tomorrow is the last day we're doing it during class. If I can't pass it then I need to start going in on my own time to keep trying at it. I REALLY WANT TO PASS TOMORROW. omg... i will cry if I dont.

Well... I have like nothing more to talk about. Guess im done for now.

Later Bloggers!

Saturday night was sooo awesome!! :) I've been in a good mood mostly since then! My sister and I went to my friend Eric's house, CRAIG was there!!!! :D We watched two movies, Lake Placid and some Kung Fuey movie or something like that. I dont like scary movies, and to me Lake Placid was kinda scary... I dont like reptiles... sooo... you can only image my reaction to the crocodile. haha... quit picturing it in your heads! Gosh.. lol. jk.. but anyway, not even 30 minutes into the movie and im stairing at the tv wondering whats gonna be happening, my sisters sitting next to me, Craig is across from me, eric on the floor somewhat next to me... Stacey decides to grab my shoulder and make a loud noise, I JUMPED! Everyone was laughing... jerks. lol. So anyway, I decided after that that I wasnt going to sit next to Stacey for the next movie. I didnt know what movie we were gonna be watching so I meant what I said. I sat next to Craig. lol. Through Lake Placid he kept saying, If your scared you can sit next to me, but we all really know that he just wants me to sit next to him because he likes me ;o) He can deny it all he wants. lol.

Through the second movie I kept to my word, I sat next to Craig. He kept nudging me and like touching my leg... and then he'd kinda shove me with his leg a little... play a little footsie.. lol. Then he sits there and tells me that he's just messing with me... yup... lol. Should I really believe he's just playin around or should I be thinking that he really likes me? God I hate it when I have to try to figure out things. Cause if I assume something and take action, then I can either be right or be embarassed cuz I thought he liked me. I def. think that he's flirting though. He's gotta be!

Well after the movies we left and went home, didnt get to sleep till 3am... I had to get up at 8:30 to watch JoAnna... didn't go back to sleep like I thought I was gonna do when I got home from watching JoAnna... soooo... yea... im really tired today.. I gotta try to test out in CPR today.. HAVE TO! I guess im gonna have to attempt the patches too because I need to get this over with.

Well... I need to get going. Later Bloggers!

Well, I wasnt expecting to be writing in my blog this weekend. Normally I dont get time to do anything online during the weekends. Just check my myspace and email quick and thats about it. For some reason, I have been online all day today though. So I guess I will write about how my weekend has been so far.

Yesterday I had my doctors appointment. It took forever, I wanted to get down to Dansville for youth group like early. After my appointment I got home and called Dave and he told me that we arent going to be hanging out anymore because his Fiance' doesnt like the idea that we do hang out. I guess something happened between him and my sister a while ago and she is being over protective of him... so Dave cant come get me, his mom is going to just for the day. From now on, Eric is going to pick me up and drop me off.

So Dave's mom picked me up yesterday and we went to her house, got Dan, and went to youth group. I walked in and for the first time in several months I saw everyone! I was soooo friggin happy. Then Eric's brother came to see me!! :D I have been bugging his brother for a real long time that I wanted to meet him and stuff, I kept telling him that he has to come visit me.. he finally did :) So the whole time he was flirting with me at youth group, then it just so happened that my ride home was with Eric, his brother, and their friend Joel. I was in HEAVEN! Eric's brother is absolutly the most hottest guy i've ever seen in the world! Wow! We stopped at Tops on the way to my house and while we were in there, he put his arm around me! OMG! I thought I was gonna faint!. lol.... i know im pathetic, leave me alone! lmbo.

Then today idk... i feel so alone.. I dont like being single, never have. I miss having somebody there to hold me and stuff. I guess thats why I got so excited when Eric's brother put his arm around me, not to mention that he's the first guy who's ever done that to me. Soooo... yep... ugh... gotta get going, Dinner's ready.

Later Bloggers!

http://www.devfreak.com/flash/end_of_world

 

This is the best freakin movie EVER! lol....

I totally just remembered that Miki's birthday is next week!!!! Otanjoubi omedetou gozaimasu Miki! Anata ga suki! :)

Have you seen the music video for The Killers, Mr. Brightside?? I might be mistaken but it appears like the singer was supposed to be in love with one of the chicks who look like their supposed to be hookers. Lead singer is kinda cute though.. hmmm... lol... I wanna go to one of their concerts now. Rascal Flatts is first though. The Killers song, Somebody Told Me is kinda catchy too... :) More music I gotta download.

Know what I found out this morning? I have to go to the doctor's office today after school. I dont know how my mom thinks I can pull this off, I have to go with Dave at 3:00 after school down to his place. We have Youth Group. lol. The Appointment is at 3:45. Not good. I have to get a shot!!! :,{ Im scared of needles. Not cool!

I cant wait to get back to youth group. I miss everyone soooo friggin much! I havent seen half of the gang since like december. Not that anyone down there cares, but i mean i love to see everyone. Miki is gonna be there!!! and some new girl Rose?? I dunno. I hope I get along with Rose. I dont get along with some people. Sometimes I get to thinking and if they ACT stuck up or like a little miss priss... i ditch them. I cant get along with people like that. Its super hard for me. so we'll see how that goes.

I didnt get to test out yesterday... im so pissed! I studied for my CPR test like a lot and didnt get to test out! Then my teacher wouldnt show me how to use some kit that we need to learn. Its not fair. Grrrr....

Ok happy now. This Sum 41 video is kinda wierd... i think its called We're All To Blame... these dancers are wierd. Eeww... especially that guy in silver shirt and tight pants.. yuck! Alright I have to get to my Western Civ. Class... Later Bloggers!

Mr. Macomber is pissing me off... two days now, i have been trying to get a prom ticket and he is NEVER in his room! omg... somebody needs to put superglue on his seat and tape the chair to the floor. Goodness!!!Im ready to quit already... geeze...

I am sooooooooooo tired!!! Woke up at 6 this morning and started getting ready for school.. 6:30 rolled around and I had to call Dan to get his answer on weather or not he'd go to prom with me, he wanted to talk  but i needed to get dressed... idk.. but he said yes at least :) I cant believe I wore this dress to school... it totally doesnt match my hoodie. but im cold so im not taking it off just yet. I'd prolly get yelled at because of my shirt.      --The middle school principle is too strict, she wont let anyone wear trenchcoats, sandals, tank tops, "low cut" shirts, tight shirts, sleevless shirts, hoodies during summer, she is absolutly rediculous!-- and my shirt just happens to be a tight practically sleeveless shirt.

Owe.... i thought these cramps woulda gone away by now, but they havent. I've had them for.... since saturday... grrrr... sometimes I hate being a girl. other times I love it cuz I can tease some guys :D Even though i shouldnt... haha..

I watched The Perfect Man again last night, good movie. I cant get enough of it because Its so cute watching Hilary Duff and that one boy flirting with eachother.. its so adorable. lol. Not to mention that guy's kinda cute :) I'd love it if a guy could draw me in sorta a comic strip type of deal. It would be cool!! I hope I find a guy like that. *blushes* did i say type that?? oops. lol jk.

Alright well i guess im done for the moment, i need to get working on my english thing. sayonara.

My friend and I just decided to get 2 pepsi's. We walked to the teachers lounge, took out the money to get the soda's and inserted it into the machine. The two dollar bills went in, and 8 quarters came out. After repeating this process about 12 times we decided to call it quits. Especially after  my friend put a 10 dollar bill in and the same thing happened. Best Experience EVER! lol.